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Jeff Dunham

Started by Penny. Last reply by G.O.L DARK RAVEN ONE S.O.L Mar 23, 2014. 1 Reply

Jeff Dunham is a well-known…Continue

Jeff Dunham

Started by Penny Mar 23, 2014. 0 Replies

Jeff Dunham is a well-known…Continue

Doctor's Advice

Started by G.O.L DARK RAVEN ONE S.O.L. Last reply by Magistar Sep 6, 2010. 1 Reply

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually..…Continue

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Comment by Magistar on March 10, 2011 at 1:44pm
DAMN FINE EXPLANATION



The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'



And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'



'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,







'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
Comment by Magistar on March 10, 2011 at 1:35pm
n her Crotch

A woman from Los Angeles , CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an
anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a
large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of
the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she
neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to
escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him
she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to
get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and
then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help
her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman
demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had
to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency , the Forest Service ,
and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from
a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."

God Bless America
Comment by Cherish Moondancer on March 10, 2011 at 1:17am
Comment by G.O.L DARK RAVEN ONE S.O.L on March 9, 2011 at 11:22pm
Trooper Wisecracks
Comments made by state troopers taken from car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go on rides and eat cotton candy and corn dogs."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief [of Police] is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

16. "You thought we don't give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Comment by Magistar on March 2, 2011 at 1:04pm
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying

to gather building materials for his home.



She read, "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that

straw to build my house?"



The teacher paused and asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?"



One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly, "I think the man would have said, "Well, I'll be damned...a talking pig!"



The teacher had to leave the room.
Comment by Magistar on February 20, 2011 at 3:10pm
HILE LIVING IN THE SOUTH...





A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.




There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.




There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.




If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.




Onced and Twiced are words.




It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!




Jawl-P? means Did y'all go to the bathroom?




People actually grow and eat okra.




Fixinto is one word. It means I'm fixing to do that.




There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.




Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.




Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.




The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning Did you eat?




You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.




You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.



Ya'll is singular, all ya'll is plural.




You measure distance in minutes.




You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.




All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.




You know what a DAWG is.




You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.




You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.




The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip.




You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.




You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm.




You know what a hissy fit is.




Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as goin Wal-Martin' or off to Wally World.




You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good beef or chicken stew weather.




Fried catfish is the other white meat.




We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!




You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.
Comment by Magistar on February 20, 2011 at 2:00pm
ord...
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that
he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous
mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his
wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his
password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering
by stating each letter out loud as he typed:


P...E...N...I...S




His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:


**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Comment by Magistar on February 19, 2011 at 1:02pm
a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained;

"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I
had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with
both House and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my
keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me
to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people,
all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
Rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
Comment by Magistar on February 13, 2011 at 2:31am
or not...
These are Memphis , TN 's
REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police
Comment by Magistar on February 11, 2011 at 10:38am
Little Hole



The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow...............Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
Of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
Mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
Yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!
 

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