Merry Meet...gather around our fire side...
Sometimes in life there is a road to follow, a path that takes you where you need to be, and other times you have to MAKE that path.
It's not always easy to see the path set before you, and more often than not you have to look very hard to find it.
Sometimes in life it seems as if you're stuck in the middle of an endless field with no path to follow, and no tools to make one.
Life can also feel like one giant maze, and no directions on how to get out of it. Instead you follow a path that you think will get you to the end, only to find a dead end, and a reason to turn around and try again. Once you finally find an opening and move on to the next area, it feels as if things are going right and you'll soon find the end. Only to be met with yet another wall forcing you to turn around and try again.
Some people are fortunate enough to have a guide on this journey called life, and others, well they make do with what they have. Often times it feels as if a guide would make things easier, but that's not always the case, sometimes a guide could just make things even more confusing than it was before.
At some point in life every person has at least one "turning point", of which they see things differently than they did before. Now I say "at least one" because I'm sure that it doesn't take just one change to make something last forever, instead it could taken many.
What kind of change am I talking about?
Well, lets just say you are born and during childhood you are learning about all of the things in life that there are to offer at the time. Well, during this time your caregivers force the belief of God on you, so there is your first change, someone else pressing their beliefs on you and expecting you to believe as they do. Later in life, say as a teenager, you hit another turning point where you learn that not only is there God to believe in, but there are MANY other religions, and things to believe in. So you are now confused on should be the "right" thing to think or believe in. During this time you are exploring, and not really sure that God is the only path, so you choose to say you are figuring things out instead of saying that you believe in God. Further down the road, say mid twenties, you've decided that you do believe in God, but that you still have some confusion about things that just don't make sense where the Bible is concerned. Then comes some major life changing events and you know for a fact that there is no God and you don't believe. Instead you have chosen to follow another path that doesn't follow God, but instead follows many gods.
I'm feeling so very lost right now, and I just don't know which way to go. Not that there is really a direction that I should be following, but I just feel so lost now that my mom is gone. There are so many thoughts and feelings that I have to deal with, and a lot of stuff is so confusing for me.
There was a time in my life when I held on to God to tightly and believed what the Bible said, and believed that God would see me through everything, but then something changed along the way. I was a teen at that time and I just needed something to believe in that could save me from the hell that was my life.
I then developed my own ideas of life and "religion" and lack there of, and I've held onto those firmly. I'm a very open-minded person, so that doesn't mean I've shut myself off from the world, it just means that I've figured things out for myself about this world, and I'm satisfied with what I believe and I don't need others trying to get me to change my way of thinking.
With that said, there are just some things I don't feel like I believe any more, and I'm not sure when this changed. It's possible this started for me after the tornado, but I'm not certain.
Now that my mom is gone, there are a lot of people telling me that she's with me in spirit, that she can hear me talking to her, that she's watching over me, that she'll always be with him, ect. but the thing is, I just don't feel like I believe that any more. I know for a fact that I USED to believe all of those things, but now.....there is just emptiness.
It might just be because of this new pain from losing my mom, but that doesn't make it any easier to handle. I feel lost! I feel confused! I feel alone, even though I know I'm not alone, I just feel like I am.
Mom and I had the mother daughter bond, and even though we had some stuff that we needed to work out together, that didn't stop us from having a great, almost daily, adult relationship. I miss her so much, and I was already having a hard time with the last two years we've had to spend apart because of the tornado, but now this! It's so much worse!
There are many things left unsaid, unfixed, unfinished, and just undone. :( I hate it! I hate that I will never have the chance to make her hear what I have to say, or to have some situations brought into the light of truth. I am angry that she's gone and all of this stuff is left hanging. I'm angry that she is gone period. Maybe I'm not so much angry that she's gone, but instead I am truly heartbroken and sad. My heart is so far broken right now, and I just don't know what to do to help myself feel better.
I try to do things, but nothing keeps my attention, and I just don't feel like doing anything but sleeping. I do my best to keep myself out of bed, but I have been trying to take a nap in the middle of the day when my son takes one. I figured that is allowed and shouldn't mess up my night time sleep. I'm having a hard time truly "feeling" anything, and my head is such a jumbled up mess that I just feel so confused about everything. About my actions, other peoples actions, this whole event and all of the BS that has come with it, about what the future holds. I'm just one big ball of confusion right now, and I just feel so lost!
I don't know where to turn to look for some kind of guidance, and I don't know what to believe. I don't feel like my mom has been around to see me/us, but then maybe I have blocked out all spirit world communications. I just don't know! I know there was a time that I was in tune with the spirit world, but things got scary, so I think I may have blocked it out of my life, and maybe that's why I haven't felt my mom around. I don't know, but I don't like it.
I guess I will never truly get what I'm wanting, and that is my mom. I will never have her back with me again, and I just have to continue to remind myself of that and try to work through all of this, but it's SOOOOO hard!!
My head hurts so badly from all of the crying that I do, and just when I think there isn't any more water in my body, the tears flow again.
I don't have my dad or siblings to go through all of this with because they all decided to turn against me and be angry with me just because I was able to listen to the doctors and they weren't able to. They even had the nerve to say that must want my mom dead, and that when she wakes up they are going to tell her that I gave up on her. !!!!
How does anyone say something so horrible and hurtful!
This is the story of my life though, those three against me, and now that Mom is gone, I'm all alone when it comes to them.
While my dad and sister are talking to me on the phone, it's not the same and it's more like politeness than closeness or family. I really don't know why I try, or why my heart still wants to try! I just don't get it! I don't understand why after all that I have been through in my life with these people, that I just don't walk away and be done with them. I just don't get it!
Often I feel like I'm way too nice, and I hate it. I don't really hate that I'm nice, but what I hate is that others take advantage of that fact and hurt me. I'm not a fool, don't get me wrong, I walk away when need by, but what is up with this!?!? Why is it so much harder to just turn my back on these three?!? Mom isn't here any more, and she was the only reason why I did my best to have any kind of relationship with those three.
Now, here I am calling to check on my dad! What is up with that!??! I never had conversations with my dad before, and we have always had the absolute minimum communication, my entire life! So why now am I reaching out and trying to communicate with him!? Why is it that I'm the one calling him, and he's not calling me? He's supposed to be the parent, and maybe he needs to be checking on me too! What am I doing here?? Why do I care about how he feels? Why do I try to help him feel better? Why do I care!? I just don't understand all of this stuff! I shouldn't care about him, with all that he's put me through in my life, I just shouldn't care! So then, why do I? Why do I feel the urge to call and check on him, but while on the phone with him I feel awkward, and unsure of what to say. I just don't get this!
Something changed in my sister, and for some reason she started being nice to me a few days ago, but I don't trust her. I don't know why she all of a sudden changed and is trying to be nice to me after all of the crap she said about me and to me, I just don't get it! I don't trust her, and I'm not really sure why I'm still talking to her, but I am. *sigh*
My brother doesn't have a phone, and is staying with my dad because he also doesn't have a home. So I haven't been able to attempt to talk to him, not that I really want to, but if he had a phone, I'm sure I'd be calling to check on him too.
I just don't get all of this stuff! I don't get it all, and I'm so very confused about everything!
Is it because I'm the oldest child? But come on, that shouldn't make any difference at all! Oldest or not, I still need people calling to check on me, and "family" members to go through this with. I don't know why I feel like I'm being pulled towards the three of them, and I have no idea what I "need" or want from them. *sigh* This just doesn't make sense to me!
I don't know what I need or want, other than my mommy back, and I haven't have that. So now what do I do?! Where do I go from here?
I'm reading this book I got the day after Mom died, Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman, and I'm a few chapters into it. I read as I can, and it's been helpful so far, but other than the book and my art, I just don't know what else to do. I'm even having troubles with my heart. I can't seem to figure out how to express what my soul needs to let our right now, and it's driving me crazy!
HELP! I just feel so lost right now! *CRY*